dedicated and devoted, i fall and discouragement immeidetly rushes into my life.
one breathe onto my life, what a sweet sound you have.. what a sweet name you have. 
with everything i am...
i wait for you. always, and when you're pushing to run i know theres nothing better than sitting 
IN YOUR PRESENCE.
how did i live without knowing this? how do people refuse to praise you? to love you? 

and the argurment of people "not knowing" where does salvation save in that? 
anyone that can see can see his beauty, can see creation, we're all created with that void that can only be filled by his life and love and in romans 1 the message says it best i think... 
But God's angry displeasure erupts as acts of human mistrust and wrongdoing and lying accumulate, as people try to put a shroud over truth. But the basic reality of God is plain enough. Open your eyes and there it is! By taking a long and thoughtful look at what God has created, people have always been able to see what their eyes as such can't see: eternal power, for instance, and the mystery of his divine being. So nobody has a good excuse. What happened was this: People knew God perfectly well, but when they didn't treat him like God, refusing to worship him, they trivialized themselves into silliness and confusion so that there was neither sense nor direction left in their lives. They pretended to know it all, but were illiterate regarding life. They traded the glory of God who holds the whole world in his hands for cheap figurines you can buy at any roadside stand. 


its like when you're in love and you want everyone in the world to know this amazing person you've found
whoooooo would refuse to meet them? 


its a bit overwhelming

as soon as i realized i'm not going to hillsong i immedietly blamed it first on my dad, for spending all his money on my step brothers med school, rotten step sisters unemployment and moving to nashville while my dad fights the state to not pay back child support now that 18 years later they finally can get it out of him. 
and then i'm like 
okay maybe some bitterness i thought i already delt with but will i ever get over it? 
and then this morning on my way to driving my mom around because she wrecked her car yesterday i just started crying blaming her because she was so discouraging. 
put the blame on somebody else. 
i got home, in my new boots, looked at them and all the things in my house and i heard "was it worth it?" 
are those new boots, the constant new full closet that you were completly irresponsible with ..putting savings away for hillsong. 
was it all worth it?
no. it wasnt. 

and i know, i know life isnt this multiple choice like test where if i say yes to hillsong and was supposed to really stay here then my life is totally screwed up and our God cant work with it, i know it doesnt work like that. 
but the growth, that was my dream. anyway, i cant put the blame on anyone else. and that 
sucks. 

a million emotions running through my heart and headddddddd and theres a ton of issues in my heart that i wish werent there. 

understand.
life, a choice. 
your heart, you direct it. he has it. 
eyes on him.. 
a life outside of that, 
i dont know how people could live without him.

i have been testing him. testing myself. seeing what i can get away with. i am desperate to find the balance of freedom, obedience and rules. i hate rules, ive never liked to follow them. i'm a rule breaker! :o) seriously though, i hate them. 
i was reading proverbs today, a few verses in chapter 3 and 4 really got to me. i dont have the bible i was reading with me right now, so i cant quote it exactly. but basically, it reminded me of chasing wisdom, the life i like to live a lot better compared to when im not. when i'm just there. "living." the ver(se said something about not even stepping foot, not even swerving (sp?) into the path thats not Him. and i know you can be a "christian" and drink, and go out to bars, and date and all that fun stuff, but i'm trying to figure out the balance. and i was sitting downtown tacoma today and i realized how badly this city needs prayer. how much love my heart actually has for this city and how wonderful it could be. and i thought about how i have all these desires to change the world and save it and blah blah but what am i doing and then i started getting so annoyed with myself because HERES THE THING this life isnt about me, this life is about HIM and YOU. others. my heart is to love Him and His. and so when im getting caught up in you know.. all this little stuff, just stuff thats going to pass, this life becomes about what it wasnt meant to be about. anyway, i'm inspired. and encouraged. and hopefull. and meeting downtown tacoma to pray with whoever wants to show up.. next thursday. 8 pm. across from the art muesum on those large brown new steps by the railroad. 

my mom told me today, "give a weed an inch, it'll take a mile"

so i've had this vision, and i've had this moment yesterday where it was wonderful. 
the vision has been of this wonderful man that reminds me a lot of Jesus. always pursuing righteousness, (which!! would be really nice to have somewhat of a baby siter only like a holy sitter, ha!!!!!!)and we'll be a team and hes really wise and loving, hes a leader and he wants the best for me and my relationship with Lord and not whats just "best" for him and i together. because hes really really faithful in knowing that Gods best is the best. not our best. you know? anyway, so i've had this vision.. and i have no idea who this man is, i mean, i sort have taken some of my favorite things in people in my life and have decided that they have parts of that vision.
SO. anyway!
so recently i went on a few dates with this dude. dude is wonderful, beautiful, but not the vision.
yesterday, i was looking at this man who well, is somewhat of a walking example of my vision. 
the Lord said to me, he said to me!
"kelly, do you want that?" 
i said "yes Lord, yes!" 
he said!!!
"okay. do you trust me?" 
and i was quiet for a while, really really excited but then kind of scared because when the Lord asks you if you trust him your small mind knows you're about to be in some kind of human trial trouble. and i said
"i'll try i'm trying" 
he said 
"you can have that" 
dude canceled on me last night for our date and at first i was totally annoyed and upset because i'm not really a fan of being REJECTED. 
but i just woke up fo the reminder
of that little wonderful dangerous conversation yesterday. 
and now, well when you finally get to understand that your life is commited to him and that every decision you make he can bless and everything that happens to you you can be faithful in knowing its going to teach you something and grow you closer to him, well you know.. 
its really a nice, comforting place to be!!

i have good news.
for a while now i have gotten consumed in religion, wondering what was "right" and "wrong" and judgemental thoughts that i knew werent Christ like and just these constant thoughts of basic black and white thinking type that was way too stressful and i was thinking last year it wasnt like this. every day driving to work i would be overwhelmed with JOY, constantly in his presense, worship was never enough. the joy was too much.
and this summer, my eyes have been fixed to him but i'm not sure my hearts been matching its been too confused. and thats such a dangerous spot because i'd rather be in this trusting stage. where my hearts just settled in his hands. he leads the way with my life and speaks to me through peace not through these rules and formulas and regulations and guidelines and all that you know. 
and then i had this other thought, well that led to this thought of course which made me see 
HELLO
(thats what i said and my eyes probably even got a bit bigger) 
theres this seperation when youre not where he wants you to be you know. like when youre chasing him for him, and not for what you "should" be doing but because your hearts there, (is this making sense?) thats where youre in this overwhelming joy in his presense.
and THEN!!
last night driving home from work i was thinking you know, everyone, EVERYONE is hooking up. marriage is blah blah blah such a wonderful thing and its everyones idea of success and what we "should" be doing and looking forward but i'm thinking 
THERES TOO MUCH TO BE DONE! there are SOULS to be SAVED and i felt like i needed to run to a baptist church because i sort of wanted to shout. 
instead i kept driving of COURSE but it was just so brilliant to me because for once, i'm not at a place where i dont want to have a relationship because i need to be "healed" and i need time to be "restored" and need time to "reflect" and i dont want to "replace" and i dont want to "compare" but i'm finally PAST It. ("dating" Jesus has now made its one year mark, thank you thank you.) 
now i'm at a place where its not about men but its about me and God. and thats such a wonderful place for my heart to be,. i dont want to be focusing and finally my heart and my mind are in the same place, they're looking forward to His kingdom and glory and love and all that great stuff and living for THAT. and anything outside of that im not interested in.
and i hope i hope i hope it keeps chasing after this, this purity and plan and big picture of all the things that need to be done and the whole growing in a Godly woman thing ..
ah, this life. sometimes it drives me nuts how much learning he crams into one season. its beautiful, really. dont you see it?

"this is enough to break a world of difference."

so good. 
i easily forget the most simple things. like
well, he gots me.
and when i start to get lonely i realize im not where i need to be. 
and again its not its not its not about me.
like apologizing, i used to be humble and do it. easily! 
now, i'll try to avoid the apology with all i have. i'd rather not have to say it. i'd rather manipulate it so they felt bad and i'm the victim. 
butbutbutbutbut 
thats not what i'm called to do. you know! 
like my roommate, i havent been so kind. 
things i dont agree with for whatever reason or whatever excuse i want to use i havent loved her as much as she deserves. and i hate admitting that i have more learning to do. and i hate taking these things so seriously. 
like when you look at the big picture you dont see the little ones, these little arguments or things you shouldnt have said. like its just this gigantic bubble and i like that really really large bubble because the little things drive me nuts! NUTS. 
hey hey! look at that, easily, 6 lines and you've already lost it. its not about you.
how many times a DAY do i have to learn this? 
i cant wait til hillsong. i want to use every excuse not to go but 
i'm going. 
yikesyikesyikes. 


1st and 2nd peter always kick my butt.

cant forget the goodness. all these things i need to work on. but its not about that. "working on" yesterday i was listening to "holy" by nichole nordeman, and i thought about how i constantly get down on myself because all these things i let myself do, all these temptations i allow myself to give into and how i dont nearly love as much or serve my community ...at all, and how easliy that can only turn people away from you, what a clever goal. that line is so hard though, conviction and guilt. anyway, while listening to it just totally blown away by you, things just started to make sense. where you want us is to just seek you. to love on you, and in that comes obedience. and recieving grace. 
got that, just now lets try to do it. lets try to accept the grace and learn. 
obedience. 
its like if i "save up" enough weekends, then one weekend that gives me the right to go out and drink a lot and be a dancing machine. 
well i liked it when i could be a dancing machine without the vodka. 
i just want to be more wise. to not be so foolish. and i constantly compare myself to others. like i cant even look at magazines anymore because i just get depressed afterward, i deleted myspace mostly for the exact same reason. 
that summer, two years ago, my ex's mom told me the process is sort of like having a tumor. you have all this ugliness inside and have no idea but its gonna hurt while its getting worked out, while its coming out. but its cancerous so in the end its worth it so it doesnt
kill you.
(i dont think she said kill you but i had to really be dramatic to make the point you know) 
and gosh, heres the thing, i can have my eyes on me, but thats so awful. i feel like my prayers are all about me, for my heart to be molded and shaped into more of a reflection of His but i feel convicted of this, like this shouldnt be the core of my prayers. my heart needs to be on others. my prayers need to be focused on others. Jesus' life was all about others and it feelts terrible to realize that your life is all about you. 
i wont give up.

"we know that the law is spiritual, but i am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. i do not understand what i do. For what i want to do i do not do but what i hate i do. and if i do what i do not want to do i agree that hte law is good. as it is, it is no longer i myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. i know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. for i have the desire to do what is good but icannot carry it out. for what ido is not the good i want to do, no the evil i do not want to do -this i keep on doing. now if i do what i do not want to do, it is no longer i who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it"

we cant just settle for that verse.  

shine and remind me of what really happened. 
gosh i could write about the rescue every day. 
and its this heart you're still slowly restoring and healing and Lord i'm going to need more time because these doors keep getting blown open and shutting so far it leaves me only with the option of reflecting quickly. its that heart you're helping. 
footprints
"It was then that i carried you"
break through these chains, release me and free me, completly restore i dont want to want to have a relationship. i really want to desire all of you, and be totally captivated in that. thats my heart, to passionately seek you
and what i've learned
is dissapointments
are not from you
dissapointments
are not from when my eyes are on you 
because you work everything for the good for all of those who love you, dont you? what a promise! 
quietness how could you create the heavens and earth and stars and all these amazing people and have everything be placed together and with one breath you make mountains move yet youre so good at being quiet? 

getting so nervous about hillsong. if idont get in.. 
but if i get in? i have to leave my mom, i wont see kennadi for a year, and its really commiting to that life. and i have to leave my church.. 

its so hard to sit and wait for you to break the ones i love. 
you always break so beautifully.

its the big picture, grasp it, got it? that big picture person thats who i want to be. its the big picture -love, serve, bless, all that, but it gets to be so much deeper, quit making promises and making excuses, be humble and admit you're sketchy and unstable but as long as i have you holding my hand leading me through this life you'll shape and mold me into an image that reflects you. and i hate those buts, those "howevers" or "becauses" and i hate it when you humble me and its these things that you've promised in your word and when they're so visible in my life i know you're not a God of "i told you so"s but goodness sometimes...
a person of complications.
do all i can to make peace.
and its like the more time i spend time with you
the more its not enough. its this thirst. i really hope i get accepted into hillsong. i was a bit sassy and "complicated" to one of their questions.. it was "have you had any moral failings within the last 12 months" "yes/no" "if yes please explain" __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ (line and a half to explain)
are you kidding me? try to write my last 12 months into that line. i know the last 10 months have been a bit more stable than ever before in my life, but to explain the 2 before the summer? you've got to be kidding me. cancun, california.. justin. so this is what i wrote (something like)
"'there is no difference. for we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God' and i'm no exception." i dont really remember the rest only that i said im willing to discuss details if needed further, as well as any kind of "moral failing" i've had in the last 12 months had only left me even more hungry for the word and truth.
and please whose standards are we going on anyway? humans or Christs? if humans just say "have you had sex or killed a man" cause sometimes i feel people think they're the same. maybe the same kind of spirtual damage. just saying..
hah
i hate it when i get inspired because i truly just want to be the best person. like, ever. but i know thats almost impossbile (aaaaaaaaaaahahahah)
i am starving.
hillsong could answer any day.. its going to be very depressing and draining for me if i dont get in.